so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
