That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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