dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She told me I should be a condom model.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
