dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
please come you make the beer taste better
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
