Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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