When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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