my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
