I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
