some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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