were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My dick has a subreddit
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
