god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
