His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
