The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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