I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
