Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What a dumb baby whore.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
