she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
