nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
and you fell through a lawn chair
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
