My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
