there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dignity is for republicans.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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