I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What a dumb baby whore.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
