If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
