I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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