Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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