Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
