You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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