Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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