did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
