Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
