mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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