hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
