life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
