I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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