Need sex. Gaining weight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
