2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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