I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
