textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
