He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
