I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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