You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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