I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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