Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so explain again why im purple
no
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
