was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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