I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
