If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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