Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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