don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
