My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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