I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
