She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
