Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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